Alice in Northumberland

 

An excellent tale surrounding Alice's wish to become the new independent chair of audit!

Alice, who was well educated and trustworthy in her own words, had picked up the local daily newspaper and noticed that Northumberland County Council's independent cĥairperson of  audit had decided to resign his post with the Council. This shocking event took place following a meeting where his high expectations had not been achieved, as allegedly corrosive legal advice was issued following Leader of Council, Councillor Glen Tweedledums press statement prior to the meeting which had indicated that the very serious matter of lawfulness and the legality of due process was simply a lesson to be learnt.

Knowing through colleagues and relatives that it might not be safe for a young woman to approach Councillor Tweedledum but as she really felt she had something to offer the Council it crossed her mind that the time was right for a visit to the monolithic County Hall in Morpeth to see if her interest was still intact after an initial viewing of her possible place of work.

Alice planned her visit midweek, hoping to meet cheery staff and councillors. She took the train from Newcastle to Morpeth and began the up and down trek to Loansdean. On arrival at the entrance to the site she saw for herself the organic size of the place, 'it's large enough to house a giant she thought' then she stepped forward in trepidation when a voice spoke in her ear. " Move over pet, you're blocking my bodycam". Shocked, Alice said" bodycam? Why do you need one of those?" "There might be members of the public waiting in reception asking questions". " since I was turfed out of my position by Tweedledum and Tweedledee I can't answer any of their questions and some of them get nasty"

"So you're a councillor then?" "Yes I'm Richard" "oh! I'm Alice, I'm here to look around as I'm thinking of applying for the independent chair of audits vacancy".  

Richard looked at her, "but you're a woman?" "You do know this is Northumberland County Council don't you?" "You had better follow me"

Together they entered the reception area, dozens of people sat around and suddenly stopped speaking as Richard fumbled among his clothing for what Alice presumed was his body cam switch. Alice stepped towards the reception desk. The only sound was the syncopated ticking of a large clock which Alice thought was watching her and it seemed to clear its throat just before she spoke to one of the obviously harassed staff. 

"Hello, may I have an application form for the vacant post of independent chairperson of audit please?" A massively multiplied intake of breath in a similar vein to 20 second hand car dealers valuing your old motor drowned out the clock which went into a coughing fit. As the silent receptionist handed over the forms the electronic security door opened and another intake took place and the members of the public began to rapidly leave the building, a shape glowered at Alice and Richard then Alice said "who is that?" 

Richard in a stammering whisper blurted " Tweedledee" and turned to join the throng leaving the building. The clock took Richard's place and announced in a mechanical stuccatto " The deputy leader is in reception". Alice was expecting the clock to follow up with 'all hail' or something similar but it even stopped its tick and fell silent.

'Tweedledee' scowled as Alice stood papers in hand and he strode out of the building.

Alice turned towards the now chalk white receptionist as asked civilly " may I have a look around the building while I'm here?"

She replied "I'm sorry but there's no one else here today to show you around."

Alice questioned "no one here?". "Not a soul" said chalk face. "But millions of pounds have been spent on this building" said Alice.

The receptionist did not respond, but Alice thought she did look saddened.

Papers in hand, Alice made her way back towards Morpeth Station but she thought she could hear booming laughter following her coming from the organic mass of an empty County Hall.

Does Alice get an interview? Was County Hall laughing at her or the people of Morpeth?

You must wait for the next thrilling installment to be played at a Saturday matinee in a Conservative 'culture centre' near you.